When God Disappoints...

 A few weeks ago while I was leading worship at Redeemer, I told our congregation that I will not allow the enemy to steal God's goodness from me. Many of us have been praying and contending for over a year now for a sweet friend of ours to be healed from cancer. In the middle of this same year, there have been others we have prayed for as well for healing, and yet that healing never came. At least, not in the way I was praying. Now my friend, Lin, is quickly deteriorating and my friend, Mark, is grieving and praying for a miracle for his wife in what looks to be like her last days. I stand by what I said. The enemy will not steal God's goodness from me because God's character isn't proven or disproven by circumstances. He is the I AM. He is who He is and I find great comfort in that because His character is the only thing steadfast in my life, the only thing that doesn't go up and down with life's glories and trials. 

But I am disappointed. 

I'm disappointed that how I'm praying isn't lining up with the outcome. I feel confusion that Jesus tells His disciples to "heal the sick," (not pray for the sick, but HEAL the sick) and I'm feeling a disconnect and a realization that I don't know how to heal the sick. I don't know how to do what Jesus mandated His disciples to do. All I do know is they came back after He sent them out and they couldn't do it either due to their, "little faith." (Matthew 17:20)

I know all the right, cliche answers..."God's ways are not my ways, His thoughts are higher than mine." "We're in a war with the enemy and sometimes there are casualties of war." Are Lin, Bill, Lisa, and so many others in my life who have suffered from this horrific disease casualties or was it their God ordained time to die? I don't know...I just know that I'm not seeing God do what my prayers are asking Him to do. So, now what?

What do we do when we're crying out for God to do something and He seemingly does the opposite or maybe even just sits quiet? I had a long season of waiting on God for something...like, 15 years. I watched most everyone around me get what I was asking God to give me. I was angry. I was disappointed. At times I questioned God. At times I raged at God. Sometimes I ignored God. I wondered if prayer even worked at all, if He was listening...or if He even cared. And the entire time there was just...silence. Cricket chirping silence. As time progressed, though, my heart was changing slowly. I had grown intimately closer to God, because He was all I had in this struggle with all of my questions and emotions. I realized after year 12, year 13 that if God was silent it was because He was doing something. He had a higher agenda for that desire of mine that went far beyond answering the simple desire I was asking about. He was doing a work in me that was deep, painful and humbly revealing of my weakness. He was redeeming my weakness - for me, my pride and my entitlement. This work was more important than simply giving me an answer. He was doing abundantly more than I could think or imagine. 

                              "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?                                       Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." ~Psalm 42:5

David sang this song. David understood disappointment, anger, and unanswered prayer. David was anointed to be the King of Israel and instead of living in a palace, he lived many years in caves running from the army of Israel who wanted to kill him. Not exactly how he assumed God would behave!!! But if you read the story of David, you see how God was shaping him in this not-yet season. You see how David was impacting the men who were loyal to him, and the change that came over them. David was changed and grown into the man who was then able to hold the kingdom and carry it well. 

God doesn't change or shift like we change or shift. If His character is worthy of worship when all is well and circumstances make sense, isn't He still worthy of worship when all isn't well and His movements don't make sense? My daughter, Evelyn, is a daily reminder of this! I know so much more than she does. I see the scope of our family, our needs, her needs - what is good, what isn't safe, what is better or the best for her. I see what will happen if she will wait until the greater thing comes. I see how her heart is challenged when she has to wait or hear the word, "No" instead of being given everything she wants when she wants it. I know when it's best for her to play and when to rest, when she needs to eat, learn to share, when its time to have fun and giggle. She doesn't always appreciate my timing, my direction, my decisions. And often, with her 18 month old limited understanding, I have to let her just not understand because she wouldn't even understand my motives. They are too lofty for her ability. How much more with us and God? 

And so my only response I have is similar to David...I will yet praise You, my Savior, my King. Whether God thrills me or disappoints me...I will yet praise You, my Savior, my King. Whether I understand or am left without an answer...I will yet praise You, my Savior, my King. When my heart is broken and my mind is racked with questions...I will yet praise You, my Savior, my King. For everything else, I have nothing left to do but hope in God.